The Big Ring

There's an old cliché that says when you marry, you're not only marrying the love of your life, but their family as well. When I was younger (read: more inward, narcissistic, 'the world revolves around me' kind of adolescent junk), I never would have believed the cliché. Besides, it's me that's getting married. We can move to France, live a fantastic life as the ultimate picture of marital bliss without parents, family and all that baggage. I mean, I'm an adult now, right? It's our wedding day.

Maybe. But the truth is, when you marry, you're stuck with whatever group of people were responsible for bringing 'the apple of your eye' into the world. In-laws may only come around once or twice a year, or call occasionally on the phone, but once married they are an integrated part of that daily, low-frequency hum known as...life.

After getting married this past summer, I've thought quite a lot about the dynamics of in-laws, and the enormous ramifications your relationship decisions can have across multiple generations.

In the weeks leading up to our wedding, Heather and I would often marvel at how smooth everything was moving, with credit going to the support of both our families. The big day wouldn't have been so big, or easy, without their unbridled help and enthusiasm. Things were moving so nicely, we would often ask each other, "can you imagine how much this would suck if our parents were not excited?"

And it was in those moments that I appreciated something entirely new--the pressure parents must go through when their children suddenly become involved in a relationship.

If you're not married yet, think about this from a parental perspective. Imagine having a child suddenly announce they wish to marry someone totally unsuitable for them. You can see the bigger picture – they haven't. You have a burning, gut feeling they won't last. And then there's the other family, which like it or not, will now be a part of all your holidays and family gatherings from here until your final day (that is, if the marriage lasts). And then if you're truly kind, you ignore all your mixed feelings, sit down, and sign your name on a check to help out.

Weddings are more than just "your big day," they are a union of blood lines, people and disparate experiences. You're the one putting on the ring, but your relationship decision entwines a much larger circle of people together. You will have a new set of quasi-parents. Your entire family will be forced to spend time and "be nice" to your partner's parents. Quite simply, from that day forward, you're all in this together.

You may be thinking in reading this post that I'm having in-law problems or issues, but that's not the case at all. I get along famously with my wife's father and mother, and actually consider them both to be more of a friend. After creating last week our online collection of photos from the big day, I've been considering different outcomes, a la Richard Bach.

What if I didn't get along with her parents? What if her father was a hard-nosed, military man who didn't like (or understand) creative types? What if one group of parents wasn't involved in the ceremony, or had any interest in your lives? What if your respective parents rubbed each other the wrong way, and hated being around each other during holidays?

I'm glad I don't have answers to those questions, but by considering the alternatives I can appreciate, and finally understand, the nutty behavior of my mother all those years when I was dating girls she...was nice to.

Comments

Posted by: Austin at February 6, 2002 11:10 AM